Insight for the Journey

I have a hunch that all my life I’ve been asking the wrong question. The question, “How can I best leverage this one-and-only life to please You?” has driven my decision making for years. It is a good question…one motivated by a strong sense of stewardship. I want my life to count; to make a difference. So, I have been hyper-responsible in making sure that I don’t waste much time, work like a madman every day, push myself relentlessly to be a high acheiver, etc. There’s a lot of good in that approach. It can lead to a very productive life.

 But it may also lead to a life with relatively little enjoyment and fun. When one is focused on making every moment productive life may seem pretty heavy. My Christmas breaks, holidays, and even vacations were often spent trying to get ahead. Although technically away from the school or office, I was still working, pushing the envelope, trying to accomplish as much as possible for God.

 On the surface that can look impressive. People sigh, “What a dedicated young man! His love for the Lord and His Kingdom won’t allow him to take a break.” But the motivation was probably not as noble as it appeared. In reality I was masking insecurity; trying desperately to prove myself, overcome my past, and to acquire self-worth through accomplishment. In short, that sort of driven mania, although cloaked in pious rhetoric, was a formula for a life of drudgery and escalating expectations. I had a growing sense that this was not the life God intended for me.

While on sabbatical recently I made a journal entry that reflects the struggle. What you are about to read was written at 6:25 in the morning on Sunday, May 27, 2007, from a backyard patio in Tuscany, Italy where we were staying. The sun is not yet risen over the mountains. Yet, the roosters have started crowing and the birds singing, but it’s still slightly dark outside. I wrote…

“It’s Sunday morning. Unlike yesterday there is a refreshing coolness in the air. The back yard patio is pleasant as the world comes alive.

The uppermost mountains are like Sinai, cloaked in clouds. They do not tremble. Where is Moses? Where the revelation—the glory on a face that saw wonders and now must be veiled lest it overwhelm – lest the mountain messenger receive attention only the Law-Giver deserves.

The family sleeps. Something about this place is sonorous. We sleep well, and want to sleep often. Is it depression? Boredom? Clean Air? Maybe it’s the sense that this season for sleep will soon be over. Do it now.

My mood is rare. The sun tries, yet without success, to scale the peaks, climb the clouds, soar above all and give light. I need a dawning. I long for a Sinai moment. Do I ask too much? With wrong motives? Do I yearn for an experience inaccessible?

What did Pascal and his sister, the Quietist, see? The “fire” he saw…was it like the fire of Sinai? Was one surreal, the other real? Is either experience accessible to me…now…or in my lifetime?

The sun has almost been successful in its climb. Like yesterday’s unpleasant hike into Figline – if I just put one foot in front of the other—in time will I see “the fire” of God? Will the Son ever break through the clouds? “How can I best leverage this one-and-only life to please You?” This question is the obsession of my days. Is it the wrong question? Should I perhaps be asking “How can I enjoy You forever?”

The Son breaks through and virtually blinds me with brilliance as the Sunday Church bells from nearby Cascia celebrate.”

That was a moment I will never forget. The exact moment the brilliant, unimpeded sun broke over those mountains, in that exact moment, the church bells began to ring celebrating a risen Son who can never die again! It sent chills up my spine.

I believe God orchestrated that moment for me. As a result of what I experienced throughout fifteen weeks of sabbatical, I am now learning to enjoy God. Yes, I’m still trying to be a good steward in the way I leverage my life and influence. But the desire to enjoy God and life with Him is now my priority. In enjoying Him more, my hunch is that I will glorify Him better.

What question drives you?